*knock, knock*
Tressa looked up from her book. She had been thoroughly engrossed in her new copy of Gardening in Indian Climates for Beginners. She would develop that green thumb one day and show Michael that he had not married a girl without the ability to cook.
*knock, knock*
Tressa was slightly confused. She and Michael were new to town and had not really met anyone would just come on over for a visit. Should she open the door? She had sent Michael to the store for a new bag of rice, so no one was at the house besides her.
On the other hand, she could just picture the happiness on Michael's face if he came back and found her chatting with a new friend while they both held cups of steaming tea.
*knock, knock*
"Coming!" Making up her mind, Tressa moved to the door. Opening it, she found an older gentleman.
"Hello, my dear! I noticed you and your husband had moved into the neighborhood and wanted to introduce myself. I brought cookies!" With that, he presented a tin decorated with charming deer in a lovely grassy area surrounded by woods.
 |
| imagine this full of cookies |
"Of course! Come right in!" she opened the door for him to shuffle inside.
"Thank you, dearie, thank you so much," he settled into the sofa she motioned him towards, "There are not a lot of people who would be willing to spend time with a lonely old man like me."
Her heart softened. Why did she have misgivings about this situation again?
"No, I bet you are just lovely. I was just thinking that I needed to meet some people in the area. Oh, and my name is Tressa," she paused as she waited for him to give his name.
He did not share his name. "Oh, my dear, I am surprised you are not swamped with visitors already! But tell me, is your husband out?"
"Yes he is," as soon as Tressa said this, she regretted it. She should not have mentioned that she was here alone.
The old man began to chuckle. Tressa was very confused. As his chuckle grew louder and slowly morphed into an evil laugh, she realized she had made a very big mistake.
"Who are you?" she cried as light began to encircle him.
The light was blinding and then it vanished. The man was no longer a cute old man. He was blue! He had ten heads!
"I am Ravana, the lord of the demons! I am here to take you hostage!"
"What in the world??" Tressa couldn't breathe. Ravana scooped her up with the ground surrounding her and ran out the door with an evil chuckle.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: In the original story, Ravana disguises himself and meets with Sita while Rama is away hunting the golden deer (which coincidentally made an appearance on Ravana’s cookie tin in the above retelling of the story). Sita let him in although the reader obviously knew it was a bad guy. This made me wonder what it was like from Sita’s point of view for the whole situation. I thought it was kind of a hilarious encounter when Ravana scooped up Sita and took her away. It made me wonder what had been going on in Sita's mind during their little "visit" and how she was probably terrified when Ravana transformed into the ten-headed lord of the demons. So, I tried to imagine what she was thinking with some different characters in a slightly more modern setting to help readers relate to the shock and terror when she finally realized what was going on in her house. Except I just kept laughing when I thought about her seeing him with the ten heads. I hope the seriousness and the comedic touch came through in this retelling. The original is from R. K. Narayan's The Ramayana: A Shortened Modern Prose Version of the Indian Epic (2006)
In your storytelling, the direct dialogues and sound effect are very rich. I really like them because I could feel the way as the characters in the story feel.
ReplyDeleteYour story is based on the meeting of the Ravana and Sita. And you changed it into a similar but different story. A lot of details have been added into the original story. This makes your storytelling even better. I could feel the hesitation of Tressa and the ecstasy of Ravana.
Very excellent storytelling, I think I should learn storytelling skill from you since much storytelling is somewhat boring.
This story is really well done in a number of ways. Structurally, you did a great job of setting the scene and describing your characters. The dialogue was believable and and helped flesh out the personalities of the two characters. I like the subtle reference of the the deer on the tin; that's a really nice throwback to the original story. The "knock,knock" motif at the beginning was really well used to immediately pull us in and then to build momentum up to the appearance of Ravana. But I think this story is successful mostly in how you were able to remain very faithful to the spirit of the original text, but you also made the story completely your own by modernizing it and developing it in your own style. This was an excellent story and I look forward to reading more from you!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated the actual image of a cookie tin, I found it to be a helpful and hilarious addition to your story. I also loved the usage of sound in your writing, it really is able to draw the reader in right away. I cannot even image how scared I would be if this old guy I was talking to suddenly changed into a man with ten heads.
ReplyDeleteThis was a well done story. I think it's really intriguing that he morphs in the middle of this living room. That would be so insane. While reading your story, I was able to create a wonderful visualization of this tale. It really helped bring out the words and made the story flow extremely nice. Well written.
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